A Page From My Spiritual Journal

So this blog is a little different because it's page from the journal that I use to write to God. It's not grammatically correct, and it may not completely make sense. However, it shows a piece of my journey with God, and I felt compelled to share.

Dear God,

I feel like Carvens Lissaint when he spoke in his poem "I found the Lord in this microphone and I loved Him, I loved Him fiercely." There's a beauty and vulnerability about that statement that I ache to learn. Then I found the spirit of Rudy Francisco on YouTube, and I began to see you and feel you and worship you. And it is a beautiful touching experience. I didn't go to church today, but instead I stayed and talked to you. And I feel our conversations growing. But more than anything I feel you, and it makes me feel like I'm strong enough to run from here to DC to New York to the Ocean and back again and barely break a sweat. That's my spirit. I feel it, I see it, and it Glows!


This entry is extremely important to me because at the end of this year I was in a hard place. I was struggling internally with a lot of things including God. Not only did I not feel his presence around me, but I was angry with Him and didn't really want to be around His presence. I was in a hard and low place. And truth be told I'm still dealing with some of that. However, on the day of this entry I spent about the full day soaking in the presence of God in a way that I had not experienced Him before. I used to describe my relationship with God as me being a child in his presence, and He being my Father who looked after me. However, that day I hung out with God like He was my best friend that I could not get enough of....wow...things are different now. And I can smile about that :-)

The Mission is Bigger than the Conflict

“If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round.  Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.” 

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

This week I had to remind myself that the mission that I strive for and the type of work that I love to do is far more important than any conflict I may encounter along the way. I find myself fighting the insecurities that can build up when I analyze how do other people perceive me? Simply by asking myself that question and over analyzing the possible answers has prevented me from making my own choices. Instead I become influenced by other people’s perceptions and assumptions, and I make those opinions matter over my own.

I have strong work ethics and passion. I have gifts that allow me to be an amazing person. However, I also have vulnerabilities that have the potential to subdue my gifts. This is what I encountered this past week. Conflict entered into my realm of work and I questioned what was I doing here? I questioned the benefits of the gifts I had been given, and I was ready to walk away. O, but thankfully I have people who mentor me along the way! Because I’m telling you I almost walked away and stopped pursuing the type of work that I know I love to do. Have you been there? Have you felt so compelled to walk away?

I was just there, and I’m so thankful that I did not. One, I have to say that conflict only makes you better equipped for future inevitable situations. Handling it in a professional and sincere demeanor will only strengthen your capabilities, for it has truly strengthened mine. Two, I must say that walking away would have put a dent in the mission of multiculturalism which I believe in so much. How dare I leave something that is bigger than any conflict I may encounter? This mission touches my heart and the core of who I am. I cling to it as much as it clings to me. I have an obligation to learn how to deal with conflict, with self-doubt, and with the perceptions and assumptions of others so that they will no longer affect my capabilities and strengths.

Summer Road Trips

These past two weekends have been exactly what I would like to see during summertime! Two weeks ago I traveled to Houston, Tx to see a close family friend get married, and then last weekend I went to Six Flags over Texas with my best friends since elementary and middle school. It was everything I desired to rejuvenate and remember there is more to life than work and academics :)

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. On a summer evening I experienced a gorgeous women walk down the aisle to marry the love of her life, and I was close to tears. Pure joy is how I would describe my emotions that night. There were the typical things you would expect in a wedding: a white dress, gray suits, cake, pictures, scrumptious food, and love in every direction you looked. Yet, what was different about attending this wedding verses others was the inspiration that consumed me as I watched a woman I consider family say “I do” to a man she most evidently loved. I don’t know the extent of their relationship, but I feel confident in saying they did not settle to be with one another. I feel confident in saying when you’re looking in a relationship that’s heading towards married, the way this couple loves ones another can serve as an example.

As I watched the wedding ceremony I couldn’t help but to reflect on my own relationships that I have been apart of. I wondered to myself have I had anything close to level of love and commitment these newlyweds now have for one another. I wondered if I’ve made good decisions towards men and relationships…

The next weekend, this past Saturday, I traveled to Arlington to have a ton of fun at six flags with my best friends I grew up with. There is nothing like being around my girls :) They create a place for me that I feel most comfortable, as long as they are around then I feel life wouldn’t be too bad. I’ve learned that as hard as I may work to achieve the things I feel passionate about in life, even my deepest passions can turn empty if I don’t have love and support around me. These people who allow me to talk and vent and laugh and cry about anything and everything make reality absolutely bearable for me. Is life hard? Heck yeah life is hard! But traveling to see family and friends and having the opportunity to feel love in the air makes me continue to appreciate anything that comes my way.  

Symmetrical Identities

In my car I have attached to my rearview mirror a blue disabled parking permit, so that every day when I drive to my college campus for classes or work I am able to park closer to an entrance due to my physical disability. I remember one particular evening, I was driving with a friend onto Abilene Christian University (ACU) campus, and I proceeded with my usual routine of parking in one of the reserved parking spaces close to the building where I work. As I pulled into the space, my friend with a somewhat disgusted look on his face said to me, “girl, you are not handicapped and there ain’t nothing wrong with you, so why are you parking in this reserved spot?”

This blunt statement and question my friend posed may seem awkward to some, but I immediately recognized his intentions as a form of encouragement. We had both grown up having the support system of the black community to guide us over the years. Identifying as a black person I have been able to connect to many people who identify with this same characteristic. Through this social commonality many of us have formulated a relationship that establishes a community for us to be a part of- the black community. Part of the culture of the black community has been to recognize the strength in each of our capabilities along with looking out for one another. Historically, black people have been told that they are inferior to others, meaning the possibilities for blacks to achieve anything they desire is limiting. In order to fight against this negative mindset people within the black community often push themselves harder to prove they can do anything they set their minds to. Further, there is a desire to achieve these endless possibilities without any accommodation or head start in life to make up for this perception of inferiority.

Thus my friends disapproving comments on me parking in a reserved parking spot was an open acknowledgement that he saw my potential in spite of the fact that I have a prosthetic limb on my right leg. In fact, the black community has always been encouraging of my endless possibilities regardless of the fact that I walk with a prosthesis. Of my 22 years of life so far, and of the 13 years that I have lived with a physical disability I have always felt included and encouraged by the black community that I have just as much ability to do as any other.

However, I can not help but admit that the question posed by my friend “why was I parking in a reserved parking space if nothing was wrong with me,” immediately sparked an internal conflict on what exactly did I and others truly understand about my physical capabilities? Just two years ago I became a part of another community that has been fundamental in my personal growth- the disability community. This community has served as a positive influence and attempted to encourage my capabilities. The conflicting part is the messages that each of these communities send is fundamentally different. The encouragement I received as I began to identify as a person with a disability showed me that accepting and requesting accommodation was not only a good thing, but a necessity in order to reach my full potential. I should know that nothing is “wrong with me” simply because I request even simple accommodations such as parking closer to my destination.

Identifying with the black community and the disability community is something that I consider most precious because I am loved and encouraged through both, and have the opportunities to give love and encouragement back to others. However, I do desire a future of understanding that being a person with a disability and having something “wrong” with you are not synonymous statements. Though, it certainly would not kill me to park further away and walk a longer distance to my various destinations, it would also be a good thing to accept the closer parking space. So when my friend attempted to make the encouraging statement “you are not handicap,” I politely but firmly corrected him that “no I am not handicap and nothing is wrong with me, but I am a person with a disability.” This distinction is crucial. So just as James Brown shouts, “Say it Loud! I’m black and I’m proud!” I will say symmetrically and just as loud, “I will not hide! Disability with pride!”

Today I Rode a Bike!

Childhood is so much fun! Growing up most of my memories consist of being outdoors, running around, playing with my twin and friends down the street, and of course riding my bike everywhere. The summer before I started the third grade I moved from Salisbury, Maryland to Longview, Texas. That summer was only a continuation of childhood, anything that involved being outside and playing I was there! However, a couple months in the school year my parents noticed I was walking with an unusual limp. I remember the first day of the hospital. I remember the big machine that surrounded my entire body that lit up and circulated around my leg. I remember the simple walls with nothing artistic to engage an 8 years olds sense of boredom. But mostly I remember the serious expressions and moods of the doctors and my parents as they waited for the results of the MRI. That’s the day I learned what the word tumor and cancer meant.

You know what’s strange about having cancer? It’s supposed to be a physical battle of your body fighting to survive against the odds of a powerful disease. However, in the midst of my body undergoing treatment and changes additionally I was having mental and personality changes. My childhood consisted of outdoors, or maybe I should say pre-cancer childhood. Post cancer the outdoors was something I pretended didn’t mean anything to me. Pre-cancer I grew up on the east coast close to the ocean and I adored the water. Post-cancer, I didn’t want to get my hair wet or get too hot from being outside swimming. What happened to my previous self? Even after I finished treatment why did all those activities I used to love not resurrect and celebrate life with me?

I have learned over the years that I have convinced myself of too many things I “can’t” do because I look different doing them. Wearing a prosthesis makes running looks different on me. Additionally, though I love the ocean if I get in the water I have to take my prosthesis off, and I don’t want people to see me that vulnerable. Mental and personality changes continued to harm me years after the physical tumor had been removed from me.

But guess what happened just 4 days ago?? I was in the gym with my personal trainer and she said I want you to try using a bike to exercise. I looked at the bike, and in that moment I knew what Sarah felt like when she heard God was going to give her a child. I laughed at my capabilities. My prosthesis comes so high up that the movement a bike calls for has been limited from me since I was 9 years old. I knew this was not a workout I would be able to incorporate. Still, I got on the bike, and watched as the seat and handles were adjusted to fit me better. And then…I rode the bike! I did an activity I haven’t done since I was soo much younger. Today once again I was reminded when I live a life of self doubt and fear it only closes doors of opportunities that I once loved. I must continue to remind myself I can do all things through God who strengthens me! The last time I rode a bike was at 9years old and since I've had a prosthesis I told myself I can no longer do this previously loved activity...BUT TODAY I rode a bike!!!