A Page From My Spiritual Journal

So this blog is a little different because it's page from the journal that I use to write to God. It's not grammatically correct, and it may not completely make sense. However, it shows a piece of my journey with God, and I felt compelled to share.

Dear God,

I feel like Carvens Lissaint when he spoke in his poem "I found the Lord in this microphone and I loved Him, I loved Him fiercely." There's a beauty and vulnerability about that statement that I ache to learn. Then I found the spirit of Rudy Francisco on YouTube, and I began to see you and feel you and worship you. And it is a beautiful touching experience. I didn't go to church today, but instead I stayed and talked to you. And I feel our conversations growing. But more than anything I feel you, and it makes me feel like I'm strong enough to run from here to DC to New York to the Ocean and back again and barely break a sweat. That's my spirit. I feel it, I see it, and it Glows!


This entry is extremely important to me because at the end of this year I was in a hard place. I was struggling internally with a lot of things including God. Not only did I not feel his presence around me, but I was angry with Him and didn't really want to be around His presence. I was in a hard and low place. And truth be told I'm still dealing with some of that. However, on the day of this entry I spent about the full day soaking in the presence of God in a way that I had not experienced Him before. I used to describe my relationship with God as me being a child in his presence, and He being my Father who looked after me. However, that day I hung out with God like He was my best friend that I could not get enough of....wow...things are different now. And I can smile about that :-)

The Mission is Bigger than the Conflict

“If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round.  Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.” 

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

This week I had to remind myself that the mission that I strive for and the type of work that I love to do is far more important than any conflict I may encounter along the way. I find myself fighting the insecurities that can build up when I analyze how do other people perceive me? Simply by asking myself that question and over analyzing the possible answers has prevented me from making my own choices. Instead I become influenced by other people’s perceptions and assumptions, and I make those opinions matter over my own.

I have strong work ethics and passion. I have gifts that allow me to be an amazing person. However, I also have vulnerabilities that have the potential to subdue my gifts. This is what I encountered this past week. Conflict entered into my realm of work and I questioned what was I doing here? I questioned the benefits of the gifts I had been given, and I was ready to walk away. O, but thankfully I have people who mentor me along the way! Because I’m telling you I almost walked away and stopped pursuing the type of work that I know I love to do. Have you been there? Have you felt so compelled to walk away?

I was just there, and I’m so thankful that I did not. One, I have to say that conflict only makes you better equipped for future inevitable situations. Handling it in a professional and sincere demeanor will only strengthen your capabilities, for it has truly strengthened mine. Two, I must say that walking away would have put a dent in the mission of multiculturalism which I believe in so much. How dare I leave something that is bigger than any conflict I may encounter? This mission touches my heart and the core of who I am. I cling to it as much as it clings to me. I have an obligation to learn how to deal with conflict, with self-doubt, and with the perceptions and assumptions of others so that they will no longer affect my capabilities and strengths.